Destiny Defined, Destiny Defied

I started writing a book back in 2014. Yup, I did. To be honest, I don’t exactly remember the kind of person I was in 2014. It was the year when I was too exhausted physically, emotionally and financially after years of failed fertility workups. I probably lost hope in having a child at that time, but I guess I had enough courage to take my first step in achieving my lifelong dream of becoming an author. I never had the chance to have any formal education in writing as I took up an engineering course in college. What I did when I started writing was probably a leap of faith. Or maybe, just maybe, I was just too bored with my life. I found out I was pregnant with Zayne on March 2015, so my project took a back seat as I embraced the beauty of motherhood. Suffice to say, my dream also took a back seat. Well, it was actually more of it got stuck in a trunk. I totally forgot about it. I just had random conversations with three friends over the holidays, and all of them asked if I had ever tried writing a book. That was the only time I remembered about what I wrote in 2014!

If I’m not mistaken, only two people know about this project – my husband and one of my best friends. I sent them a copy of the first draft on January 2015. I searched for it on my email, and I was so surprised that the document was password-protected! Being a Tita that I already am, I cannot remember the password! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Good thing that I found a “working” copy of it on my other email. I can’t stop laughing after I read it! I honestly don’t remember what my plan with the story line was. I don’t even remember the reason behind the title Destiny Defined, Destiny Defied! And don’t get me started with the names of the characters! I wrote a prologue and the first two chapters. I was cringing multiple times while reading it. Hahahaha!

My plan in 2014 was just to let the world know about this project after I finished it. I felt it was a good idea back then as I was so scared that it would be jinxed, that people would say I’m too ambitious or that my work would be judged. I’m not sure if I made the right move. I think apart from my very busy schedule, another reason why this project was parked for almost six years is because I lost hope and courage to go after my dream. But New Year is about having a fresh start. A lot of you know that I went through a lot in 2019. (I hope I can find time to write my thoughts about it soon.) This year, I fervently pray to bring back the spark I once had for my lifelong dream. I hope that time, courage and hope will follow after the spark comes back. And so here’s the prologue and the first chapter of what I wrote in 2014. I’ll keep the second chapter to myself for now. Pwedeng tumawa, pero bawal mang-judge! Wahahahaha!!! Don’t judge my book because it doesn’t have a cover yet! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 





Chloe


People say that you will encounter different kinds of boys. Some will give you pure bliss. Some will just bring you nothing but a heartache…

At least once in your life, you’ll fall in love with a bad boy. That’s the kind of guy who is tough on the outside yet soft at his very core. He will sweep you off your feet. He will change for the better for you. He will cut his long hair, quit smoking and stop flirting with other girls when he becomes yours. He will do the sweetest things that other people never imagined he was capable of doing. But more often than not, this boy will break your heart.

You will probably fall in love with your best friend. You will master the art of loving from a distance just because you’re too scared to risk a beautiful friendship. It will cause you pain when your guy best friend falls in love with someone else. You will get disappointed for all the times that he wasn’t around when you need him just because he’s busy with the one that holds his heart. Your feelings will make you question why you’re not pretty enough to be noticed or why you’re not smart enough for him to find you intellectually attractive. Some get lucky and their feelings get to be reciprocated in the end. But some simply don’t get the chance.

You will fall in love with someone but you will later on feel that the entire universe is against your love story. Cliché as it may sound, it will be you and him against the world. Some fight for this kind of love only because they are up for the thrill and challenge. But some will fight because they think that their love is definitely worth fighting for, and not doing so is depriving themselves of such a beautiful thing called LOVE.

You will also have the boy who later on becomes “the one that got away”. You’ll love this guy with all your heart. You will dream of having a future together. You will try to work things out. But in the end, all your efforts will be down the drain. It’s either you walk away or he leaves you hanging in thin air. Either way, you are left with two things: a broken heart and a long list of what-might-have-beens. You may be left with a small beam of hope that you will still end up together. But if you’re not lucky enough, this hope will scar and haunt you for the rest of your life. You may later on find another boy to love, but that spark of hope will keep you yearning for the one that got away. The idea of the unknown will forever tempt you to look back and hang on to that stupid hope.

And then of course, you will have your ONE TRUE LOVE. You’ll meet a boy who makes everything feel so magical. He will make you feel that holding your hand is the best thing in the world. Simply being with him in a cheap restaurant will make you feel like you’re having breakfast with him in Paris. He becomes the sole reason for all your smiles. He will help you redefine your cynical definition of love. You will build your future together. Whether you end up with him or not, he will forever hold a special place in your heart.

People say that you will encounter different kinds of boys. Some kinds will give you pure bliss. Some will just bring you nothing but a heartache. I fell in love with a bad boy. I fell in love with my best friend. I fell in love with someone and the entire universe was against it. I fell in love, but he got away. And yes, I have already found my one true love. All of these happened all at once. Because in my case, there is only one boy. His name is Alonzo. And this is our story.



Alonzo


Love comes like a thief in the night – unannounced. It is something that you can never plan for. Once cupid’s arrow hits you, your heart will never be the same again. If luck is on your side, your heart will be filled with nothing but happiness. But if destiny pulled off its playful tricks on you, you either end up braver or scarred forever.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I knew nothing about love. I know that my mother is willing to sacrifice her own life for me and that I would do the same for my little sister. But I felt like it’s the kind of love given to you by chances. We didn’t have a choice. My mother needed to love me because I am his son. According to her, I gave meaning to her life. So I guess she had to love me for doing her that favor. I needed to love my little sister, Nikki, because my mother’s heart is too drained to love another human being. After all, she is not getting enough love from my father.

I have often wondered how two different souls find each other in a sea of billions of people and then fall in love. Like what I said, I wouldn’t know because my parents were not exactly the best example when it comes to loving. I have always been curious how destiny works. Is destiny love’s friend or foe? Is there really such a thing as destiny? Or those hopeless romantic love gurus just put meaning into a mere string of coincidences just to deceive the non-believers that true love really does exist?

I lived a life thinking that I would never get the answers. I believed that I am not capable of loving another person, and that I am unworthy of someone else’s heart. But this stupid thing called destiny connived with its perfect accomplice named love.

She was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. I played with so many hearts before, but hers was different. I have never met someone with a heart as pure and as giving as hers. But because I was born to screw up, and it is my innate ability to hurt everybody around me, I pushed her away. I hurt the only person who loved me by choice, not by chance. I spent years asking myself why I let go of the only thing that made me really happy. But each day I spend thinking about it, I find my heart breaking over and over again. I initially thought I was doing her a favor, because pushing her away meant sparing her of all the heartaches. Someone as beautiful and selfless like her does not deserve a broken man like me. But I later on realized that letting her go isn’t a noble act. Along the way, I broke her, too. And even if I spend my eternity praying for her to come back, it will never be enough. Because at the back of my head, I know that I don’t deserve a second chance.

Love came to my life like a thief in the night. It was something I failed to plan for. I knew that cupid’s arrow hit me because my heart was never the same again. There were other girls. A lot of them. But she will forever be the ONLY girl. Her name is Chloe. And this is our story.




CHAPTER 1


Alonzo
September 22, 2015


I’m coming home. For three years, I’ve spent every single day thinking how this day will turn out. I kept on playing different scenarios in my head, but I was pretty sure that nothing could prepare my heart with what’s going to happen. Today is the day that I have been looking forward to, yet it is the same day that I have been dreading to arrive.

I am not really sure what happened for the past three years. I was the biggest coward when I ran away, and I remained a coward when I chose not to look back. I never had the courage to know what was happening back home. I disconnected myself from the world. I disconnected myself from MY WORLD – Chloe.

I wonder how she is today. I am not sure if she is still the same idealistic girl with the fiercest passion to change the world, if she is still the same wide-eyed, quiet and reserved girl who dreams to travel like there’s no tomorrow, if she is still the same girl who can read at least ten books a month, if she is still the same girl who believes in love and destiny. I want to know the answers, but I don’t think I am prepared to ask her. I want to see her, but I know that my heart will be crushed if she tells me that she doesn’t want to see me again. I want to hug her, but I don’t have the courage in case she pulls away from my arms. I want to tell her a lot of things, but I’m scared that it might be too late.

“How many more hours before we land? My back hurts!”

My pensive mood was distracted by Nikki. She yawns while hugging her stuffed toy, the one she named Stuffy. When I gave her the toy, she told me that she wanted to have her new friend the best name ever. We spent days brainstorming for a name of a non-living thing that’s obviously not going to complain whether he/she/it be named as Justin Bieber or Voldemort. I even told her that she can name the bear Donald Duck, and it won’t matter. She cried as soon as I said it. I felt really guilty and had to pacify her.

“What would you feel if Mommy named you Donald Duck? She could have said, ‘Oh, he’s just a baby. He wouldn’t mind!’ But she gave you a very beautiful name. Alonzo is nice. I can name my bear Alonzo!”

“No,” I asserted.

“But why? Alonzo is a nice name. I like it. It’s better than Donald Duck or Voldemort!”

“Will you name your bear after the brother you dearly loved? How would you feel if I get a pig, and I name it Nikki?”

“Ohhh! That would be cute,” she seemed very delighted at the idea.

I can’t stand naming the bear Alonzo. I don’t want my younger sister to be hugging and hanging around another loser. I gave her the toy to give her comfort because her young mind was so undeserving of everything that was happening around us. I wanted the toy to remind her that there is someone in this world who will always be at her side, no matter if it’s just a stuffed animal. I knew I was being unreasonable, but having two Alonzos in her life is definitely too much.

“Come to think of it. What if you’re talking to us, and you call Alonzo, how can I distinguish if you’re talking to me or him?”

“Oh, yeah! That will be confusing. Can I just call my bear AJ then?”

Out of curiosity, I asked, “What does AJ mean?”

“Alonzo Jr.,” she exclaimed.

I was already willing to give up. I figured that I would never win with someone as smart as Nikki. She probably sensed how troubled I was. I gave her a big frown, just to show her that I wasn’t keen with her idea. Then out of the blue, she had a light bulb moment.

“I know, I know! He is a stuffed toy. So let’s just call him… Stuffy!”

“Stuffy sounds cool,” I said. It’s actually not cool, but it’s way better than AJ!

My mind snapped back to present. Nikki is now six years old, still attached to Stuffy. She stretched her arms and legs. I can see boredom written all over her face.

“We’ll be home in an hour,” I told her. “You can still go back to sleep if you want to.”

“But I just woke up!”

I just smiled. I gave her a hug as I fix the loose strands of her hair. She hugged me back and asked me.

“Are you scared?”

“Of what?”

“Of everything. Are you scared of what people will say when they see us?”

I took a deep breath and answered, “No. People have been saying a lot of bad stuff about us. I got used to it. The most important thing is that we know the truth. I explained this to you before, didn’t I? You’re not supposed to listen to them. You promised me, right?”

“Yes,” she said with a faded smile. But then her next question caught me off guard. “But are you scared to see her again? What will you do in case we bump into her?”

“Who?”

“Chloe. Isn’t she the girl who made you cry? I didn’t know that boys cry, too. But because I have seen you crying every night for the past three years, I guess boys are allowed to cry, too.”

I chuckled. Sometimes I forget that I am talking to a six-year-old girl. I am not sure if she matured earlier because of the difficulties we faced, or that she’s simply naturally smart.

“Yes, boys are allowed to cry. And no, Chloe didn’t make me cry. I cried non-stop because I hurt her.”

Nikki looked so confused. She’s still a child after all.

“You cried because you hurt her? I cried when I hurt my knee after Bob from school pushed me. Bob didn’t cry because he hurt me.”

“Bob is different,” I explained. “Do you remember that time when I spanked you?”

She nodded.

“I was so mad at you because you climbed that tree in our backyard even after I told you not to do so. I hurt you, but I cried after that because I knew you got hurt, too. To answer your question, I cried because I love Chloe, and I promised not to hurt her. But I broke that promise. I broke it over and over again, but she still kept on loving me. When I left her three years ago, I knew that what I did was unforgivable. I cried every night because I knew that I already lost her, for good.”

She looks down at her untied shoelaces. I bend to fix it. She then places her little hands on my head and started to stroke my hair.

“But you said sorry to me after that. You told me that you only did that because you were trying to protect me. You told me that you don’t want anything bad to happen to me because you love me. And then, I said sorry to you, too. I didn’t hate you for spanking me. Do you know why?”

“Why,” I asked her.

“It’s because I love you, too.”

I froze. I didn’t know what to say. I thought it was already the end of it, but she continued lecturing me. The aliens must have abducted my little sister and replaced her with this extraterrestrial creature in front of me, with a mind that an ordinary human like me can’t fathom.

“You said you were sorry for hurting me. I understood that you didn’t mean to hurt me, and that you only did that to protect me. You hurt me because you love me. If you probably tell Chloe how sorry you are, and that you only left to protect her, she would understand. That’s because she loves you, too.”

I exhaled all the air stored in my lungs. In all honesty, I don’t know how to respond to Nikki. I am embarrassed that this little girl in front of me is braver and stronger than the man who is supposed to protect her. She always tells me that I am his Prince Charming. But the truth is, she was the one who broke the spell of insanity. If not for her, I would have given up long ago.

“Nikki, it’s not that easy.”

“Yes, it is! Just say sorry! How hard can that be?”

I kept quiet. I wanted to ask the flight attendant if they have a white flag onboard so I could give it to Nikki. I don’t know what to say to her because I knew that there is some hint of truth in everything she said.

She crossed her arms and closed her eyes. “I’m glad I am just six years old. These grown up stuff are very confusing!”

“Yeah, it is.”

I finally find some peace and quiet as she stops bugging me. But after a few seconds, she leans on me.

“I miss her, though,” she said.

“Yeah, me too,” I replied as I hear my heart breaking one more time.



Chloe
September 22, 2015


I planned this day to be like any other ordinary day. This has been my routine for the past couple of years: wake up early, have breakfast while trying to figure out how I can sleep some more and not be late for work, eat breakfast, shower, dress up, brave the horrible traffic in Manila, sit on my cubicle, stare blankly at my laptop for 8 hours but still try to look like I’m busy doing something, brave the horrible traffic one more time, prepare dinner, watch TV or read a book, and then go to sleep. That’s my life in a nutshell – boring and senseless. In between these series of activities, I usually daydream of having a breakfast with the Eiffel Tower as my background, or having a selfie with the Pope in Vatican. More often than not, my imaginary travel adventures end up with me getting stuck in my own solitude. Each time I try to think of happy thoughts like being a backpacker in some foreign land, I end up getting drowned in a bottomless pit filled with plans that didn’t materialize, shattered dreams and broken promises. I sometimes wonder why I let myself get trapped in the same pit that I created. I could have done something to make things work the way I planned them, but along the way, I somehow lost the will to live the life that I have long dreamt.

I am trying to get my caffeine fix which I desperately need to face the merciless jungle of Metro Manila. I notice that it has started to rain. I turn on the television to catch the weather report. I don’t usually watch the news because it never fails to get me into a foul mood. Today is probably the first time that I turned on the television to catch the morning news. Instead of the weather report, I caught a news report which made me curse the rain as if it committed genocide.

“Holy shit!”

I saw his face on TV. The newscaster with weird teeth and awkward sense of fashion said a lot of things, but only one sentence made sense to me. Alonzo Del Mar is coming home. That son of a bitch is coming home.



And that’s it! I’m really not sure what I’ll do with this. Again, this has been a lifelong dream. I took many detours, but I finally realized that nobody is ever too old to make their dreams come true. Wish me luck! Happy New Year!