my birthday, her farewell

(From my Friendster blog site originally posted on Januay 26, 2007)

Today is exactly my twenty-third year of existence. Two hundred seventy six months of joys, tears, triumphs and failures. It’s really weird to be in twenties. Now I know why people just smile when being asked how old they are. But not me! I know and I am confident that I can still proudly say that I am thirty, forty or fifty when I reach that age. There’s nothing to be ashamed of our age because every year represents every achievements, every day reminds us the many people who have touched our lives, every hour tells us of how our mistakes turned us into who we are today and every second should make us appreciate the life we had and everything that life has to offer us. Don’t be ashamed of the white hair because it only means that you now have the wisdom that makes you different from the younger ones. Don’t be discouraged when wrinkles start to show, because every line speaks of how fruitful your life has been. But I have to be honest, seeing the candles 2 and 3 in my birthday cake bought a mixture of excitement, confusion, fear and happiness. I never thought of being 23 when I was 16. I only thought of how to pass high school and how to catch my crush’s attention. But things have changed. Am I really 23? What have I done with my life during the past 23 years of living in this blue sphere I call Earth? There are times that I feel like I failed…

I failed to travel. I want to see every single space in this world. I want to see the diversity of human nature. I want to take pictures of the stunning places that would remind me how beautiful this world is. I want to experience being in a boat, a train, a ship, and an airplane. I want to learn new languages. I want to taste the various flavors of this world through their food. I want to go out! But I guess I failed. I failed to do any of these things. And it breaks my heart…

I failed to be free. I want to dance in the rain. I want to be crazy even for a day. I want to be rebellious. I want to shout on top of a mountain. I want to go against the flow. I want to do what I really what to do without thinking what other people might think of me. I want to go out of my shell and show the universe that I am single soul worth knowing. I failed. Here I am, trapped inside a cage of responsibility that nobody asked me to shoulder. Here I am locked inside my own body together with my insecurities, my inhibitions and the wounds of yesterday.

I failed to be myself. I have lived a life full of lies. I have shown the world only half of whom I really am. To everyone, I am snob girl who is oblivious of other people’s feelings, an awful being with a heart as hard as the hardest rock, a selfish person that would do anything to have a grip of everything. I failed to let them know that what they see is only a mere illusion. I failed to let them know that I am a good friend that they can entrust their life with. I failed to let them know that I know how to make other people laugh with the little silly things that I do every day. I failed to let them know that I am a good person with a heart that loves without boundaries.

I may have failed but being twenty-three made me realize that I don’t have to waste the next twenty-three years of my life failing, crying over spilled milk and ravage my heart with disappointments. I have to start traveling. I have to start being free. I have to start being myself. I have to start all of them NOW!

Today is my birthday but I had to face a very heartbreaking farewell with a very good friend. I met her at work, which is a place where ambition is more important than integrity, where relationship is spelled as P-O-L-I-T-I-C-S, where not all smiles are meant, where emotional attachment does not do any good, where people simply don’t have the heart and the time to build friendships. She managed to go out her way to help me even if it’s not her job to do so. She smiles at me every day and I can feel that she really means each smile. She became my friend in a place where friendship is just a hindrance in being on top. She became the sister that I longed to have. The time we spent may be short but we managed to create a bond that we both know would last. I have to say goodbye to her for now but I know that she will remember me even if she has other friends too. My heart is breaking for her farewell but I have to let her go. I want her to happy even if t means that I have to spend another lifetime just to be in the same place as she is, just to have another coffee break with her. I have t make her happy that’s why I did not cry when I hugged her the last time. But my heart was drowning in tears while I sent her off. She is my wish but I know deep in my heart that it will never come true. Indeed, not all wishes come true. I wish I could see Mhae when I get back to work on Monday. But all I have are the memories of yesterday and her farewell on my twenty-third birthday…

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