Friday Randomness: Things You Should Not Say to a Childless Couple

Published on August 22, 2014

I recently read two articles which both hit a tender spot. Both articles speak about how rude it is for people to ask, “Why don’t you have kids yet” or some other similar questions. It all boils down to two things why these kinds of question should not be a part of any conversation.

First, the married couple you are asking might be the kind that does not plan of having kids, ever. One may argue with things like, “Sayang ang genes,” or “The Bible says that married couples must procreate,” but we have to accept the fact that for some married couples, having children is not a part of their plan. And whatever their reason may be, IT’S NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!

Second, the married couple you’re asking might be one of those who are having difficulty conceiving a child. Whether or not the couple has infertility issues, is again, NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS. Some people are just too tactless not knowing that they are adding insult to injury. You might not know it, but the couple might be spending thousands and going in and out of the hospital to address infertility problems. In a world where it’s easy for people to say everything in Twitter and Facebook (kahit nga pag-utot e naka tweet at status update), keeping their own battles personal takes a lot of courage. Kaya huwag maging taklesa, kasi nga IT’S NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!

childlessImage taken from here

Being married for three years, I had my share of tactless and rude people asking questions that they should not be asking and saying things that they should be keeping to themselves. If only having thoughts of punching these people is illegal, I should be serving lifetime imprisonment by now. Again, asking why a married couple does not have children is rude. It should not be a part of a normal conversation like “Hi, I haven’t seen you in a while! May anak na kayo? Bakit wala pa?” (Things like “Ang taba mo,” and “Bakit wala ka pang asawa” are also unacceptable!) But aside from these insensitive statements, one must also stop saying the following:


1. Tumatanda ka na. Magiging abnormal na ang anak mo kapag pinatagal mo pa!

Seriously?! In a scale of 1 to Kris Aquino telling Andrew Garfield that her movie beat Spider Man in the box-office, how tactless are you?! Don’t you think the person already knows how old he/she is? Don’t you think he/she probably knows the risk that comes with having a baby at a later age? If the married couple is actively trying to have a baby, will this kind of remark help and encourage them? Ikakauunlad ba ng ekonomiya ng Pilipinas ‘yang kataklesahan mo? HINDI! You are not helping at all. As a matter of fact, you are making things worse by pressuring the couple and injecting unnecessary thoughts which definitely won’t help the couple, and the country’s economy as well!


2. Sino sa inyo ang may diperensiya?

Ang sarap sagutin ‘to ng “Ikaw! Ikaw at ang matabil mong dila ang may diperensiya!” If the married couple is addressing infertility issues, do they need to broadcast that the wife’s ovaries are all conked up or the husband’s sperm count is too low? NO! I hope this society should accept the fact that not all people have become so obsessed with letting the whole world know of their personal battles. There are still people who choose to fight on their own, away from the scrutinizing eyes of judgmental people. Let them fight their battles the way they want it. If people choose to post on Facebook why they still don’t have a baby, let them be. But if they refuse to, leave them alone!


3. Ok lang ‘yan. At least hindi ka tataba, hindi ka mapupuyat, makakalakwatsa ka pa.

I know that statements like this one aims to lift up the spirits of a childless couple. But what if the person you are talking to is already tired of travelling and living the kind of life that being childless gives? What if the woman in front of you is already willing to get fat, if she doesn’t mind having layers of eye bags, and she’s so ready to be dealing with poop 24/7? What if that person has invested so much financially and emotionally in having kids and the only thing missing is a child itself? What if that person has been waiting for years and is willing to give up everything just to have a child? Will your statement help? I know an old childless couple who travel the world. And according to them, they do it because they want to fill the emptiness that they feel because they don’t have kids. And yes, they would choose fatness, sleepless nights and being still just to have kids. So if you’re thinking that an innocent remark like this is harmless, you have to think again.


4. Naunahan ka pa ni ___.

I’ve heard of this insensitive remark countless of times before. I didn’t know that there is a contest in baby-making. I definitely didn’t sign up for it. I have three problems with this statement. First, it puts more pressure to the couple. It’s something that they are already aware of so there’s no need to shove it to their faces. They probably deal with the same pressure when they see photos of pregnancy test kits with two lines posted on Facebook or the countless of Instagram posts of babies. Second, the statement is trying to put a sense of ENVY to the childless couple. It’s as if that tactless person wants to make the childless couple feel that those with kids faired better in life, that they are luckier and more blessed, which leaves the childless couple in that bottomless pit of self-pity. These tactless people don’t have a single idea that those who are not yet blessed with a child can be genuinely happy for others who already received their little bundle of joy. And lastly, these people must realize that we should be running our own races. We should run at our own pace. Some may get ahead of you, and that’s ok. Some women are meant to have a blooming career, some are meant to run the household. Some are meant to get married at 25, some at 35, some at 45. Some are meant to become parents without even trying, some are meant to wait.


5. Araw-arawin niyo kasi!

Those who say this are actually, sorry for the term, stupid. They don’t have a single idea how the reproductive system works. MEMA lang, me masabi lang na may alam sa paggawa ng bata! It is a misconception that everyday sex can get you pregnant. Have you seen those movies where two people engage in a one-night stand and get pregnant? That is actually possible. That’s a fact that busts this stupid myth of everyday sex. And I don’t think this bighead people know that it takes more than 24 hours for man’s sperm to “regenerate”. It’s stupid to think that a gun can have unlimited bullets and fire non-stop. And I also think that this know-it-all people have never heard of stuff like PCOS and anovulation – the inability of a woman to ovulate or release an egg cell. For these tactless and insensitive people who just say what they want to say without researching, I’ll put these terms in something simpler for you to understand. It’s like firing a gun to a moving target. And in some cases, it’s like firing a gun with no target at all. =(


6. I got pregnant without even trying.

Yeah, I’m still thin even if I have a food blog and I seldom exercise. Seriously, if you are one of the lucky ones, then good for you. Congratulations for contributing to the human race. But you have to be mindful that the person you’re talking to might have been to hell and beyond so stop giving them more stress.


7. Mahina ka pala e!

I’ve heard people say this to my husband. I know it comes out as a joke, but I can’t help but feel bad for him. My husband is one strong MAN. When I told him before that I don’t want to have sex outside marriage, he was strong enough to accept my personal convictions. When I tell him that I am too tired to do the laundry, he does it for me. When I tell him that I want to watch the latest John Lloyd movie, he comes with me, no questions asked. He works really hard. He takes care of me. He lets me grow as a person yet he makes sure that we grow together as a couple, too. THESE THINGS MAKE HIM A STRONG MAN. I tell you who the weak guys are. Those fathers who leave their children to starve while they are busy on a drinking spree. Those who get someone pregnant and run away. Those who have kids and have their faces flashed on the news for maltreating their children. ‘Yung mga kumag na magaling gumawa ng anak pero hindi naman kayang buhayin at panindigan, ayun ang sabihan niyo ng, ANG HINA MO NAMAN E!


You’re probably asking, “So what should I tell them?” It’s ok to ask them if you haven’t seen them for ages, and you had no way to know whether or not they already have kids. Pero ‘yung tuwing masasalubong mo na lang e tanong ka ng tanong, aba mahiya ka naman. Let the couple open up to you. They will if they are ready and willing. Be sensitive enough to know if they are willing to talk about it. Take the couple’s non-verbal cues. If they open up to you, just listen. Listen without judgment. Ask them first if they are open to suggestions and advices. If they pour their hearts out, ask them what kind of help you can give. Let them know that you will be with them in their journey. Tell them that you will pray for them, and make sure that you really pray for them. But if they refuse to talk, leave them alone. There are plenty of things to talk about! Subukan niyong pag-usapan ‘yung mga bagay na ikauunlad ng ekonomiya ng Pilipinas o ‘yung ikalulutas ng problema ng mundo sa AIDS!

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6 comments

  1. Hi! I hope you had a great time in Book Depository ;)

    I agree with your sentiments, same as with single people... you don't ask them bakit wala pa ;) Madaming pang ibang bagay na pwede pag-usapan :) Discussion of personal matters should be started by the person who owns it. My personal belief is... when you insist discussing these topics, good as you are trespassing and invading someone else's life. At sabi mo nga, hindi lahat ng tao "kris aquino levelz ang pagka-open book ng buhay.

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    1. Oohh! I like your comparison with trespassers! Kaya dapat ikulong din sila. Haha! :p

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  2. Very well said, Je. Many people can really be tactless/stupid especially on very sensitive issues like that. My husband and I, after losing our first baby in September 2012, haven't tried getting pregnant again yet. We're taking it slow and when we're ready (financially and emotionally), we'll do it. We also believe in God's perfect timing. No pressure, except of course occasionally from our parents na sabik na magkaapo. Hehe. :)

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    1. Honestly, we don't owe them an explanation, di ba? Hindi natin dapat ipaliwanag sa kanila na "May sakit ako," "Nag-iipon pa kasi kami," "Wala talaga kaming plano mag-anak." Wala dapat silang pake e. Haha! #GalitNaGalit

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  3. I am sharing this :) you actually nailed it - some people should really just stick to their own business! But then, everyone would always have a comment about anything - whether you have no kid, 1 kid, 2 kids (like me), or 10..but don't let them get to you...all that matters is that you and your husband love each other - you got married for that, kids come as a bonus :) and those people who are always bothering you, block them on facebook lol

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    1. Yeah, you're right. I'm sometimes tempted to wear something on my forehead that says, "Back off! Pregnancy questions will not be entertained!" =)) Thanks for dropping by, Joy! :)

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