I Miss My Husband

Yes, I really do. I still miss him even if we live together in the same house. I still miss him while we’re facing each other, sipping a cup of coffee every morning. I still miss him even if we talk to each other via messaging apps while we’re working in different offices. I still miss him despite the countless “How are you,” “Have you eaten your lunch,” and “I love you” messages we send each other on a daily basis. I still miss him even if we’re together every night, eating dinner at home. I still miss him even after he kissed me and Zayne good night.

I know it’s weird, but I terribly miss my husband. I really do.

A few days ago while we were on our way to work, I told my husband that I miss him. He looked so confused and asked me why. I told him that a lot of things have changed in a span of one year. The dynamics of our small family changed drastically ever since Zayne came into our lives. Our house is livelier and noisier. Our lives became crazier but happier. Our hearts are full. But there are days when my husband and I would talk about how we could make more time for some other things. How can we make more time to play with our child? To exercise? To continue his plans for home improvements? To catchup on my reading lists and my blog’s backlogs? The list goes on. And even if we don’t say it out loud, I know that we both yearn to have more time for each other. I finally understand what other married couples say – that things will definitely change when you have kids. The crazy schedules, messy household, demanding career, figuring out how to raise a good kid among other things can definitely put a strain in your marriage. I told my husband that it seems like we are just trying to “survive” the day. I feel like we have been more focused on the logistics of our daily life – who gets to change Zayne’s diaper, who gets to wash the dishes, what should be our meal plan for the week, what time should we leave the house so we can spend more time with Zayne at night, what can we do with our current setup so our health and career won’t suffer.

One night, my husband and I tried to come up with a strategy on how to make it work. We can’t let go of our stay-out helper because we already trust her, and Zayne adores her. If we get another house help, it would be another financial burden in our pockets. After talking for more than an hour, we came to a conclusion – this is just a phase. This setup is just temporary. I know it’s already a cliché, but this, too, shall pass. Sooner or later, I will stop breastfeeding. Zayne will eventually stop throwing food so that means less mess for Boyet to take care of at night. In a year or two, our baby will learn to do things on her own. Soon enough, Zayne will be less clingy. (And she will stop kissing and hugging me all the time! Huhu!) God will probably bless us with another kid, and we’ll go through the same cycle one more time. But again, it won’t take long, too. Before we even knew it, our kids will stop “needing” us anymore. (Me, tearing up at this part. Wait, I need to wipe my keyboard!) So what will our strategy be? My husband and I just decided to savor every moment. The day will come when Zayne will refuse to be treated like a baby, so we’ll treat her like a baby now that she still needs it, and now that she still allows us to! The day will come when our house will be less messier, so for now, we just need to stop cutting each other’s throat when we see all the eye sores in the house. The day will come when our house will become so quiet because Zayne is already hanging out with her friends, so my husband and I have learned to adapt to Zayne’s screaming and shouting (TATA! TATA! NANA! NANA! She does this every single day ever since she started talking!)

You’ve probably come up with an advice for me. “You should go out on dates. Go on a trip without your baby.” Naisip ko na rin ‘yan, bes! My husband and I would usually plan going out on dates without Zayne, but as soon as we’re out, we head back home because we already missed our daughter. I guess it’s a result of waiting too long to have a child. There are days when I feel really guilty for spending less time with my daughter. How can I leave her in the house after fervently praying for her for four long years? I have this crazy thought that God will punish me for not taking enough care of His blessing, Zayne. Don’t worry, I’m already working on it.

This makes me wonder how our marriage will turn out. I get scared that having less time with my husband will strain our marriage. Because you know, relationship experts say so. But then again, I’ve seen marriages that didn’t work out despite the couple’s efforts to go on dates, plan big trips and give extravagant gifts. Yet I’ve also seen marriages stand the test of time less all the things I mentioned.

I learned that there’s no perfect formula in marriage. I guess I’m just lucky that I hit a jackpot. I’m thankful that I married a longtime friend. I’m thankful that I’ve known my husband for almost two decades. I’m thankful that we’ve seen each other go through failed relationships. I’m thankful that we can talk about serious stuff like politics and religion, and yet we can still be silly around each other while smelling each other’s fart! I’m thankful that I’ve mastered the art of not strangling him in the middle of the night while he snores. I’m thankful that I married a guy who thanks me for cooking delicious meals.

Some people think that they need to do the grandest of things to take care of their marriage. They may be right. But one must not forget that the “little things” make a big difference in marriage.

I appreciate the trips we shared together, but I also appreciate how my husband knows how I want my morning coffee. I love going on staycations, but I also love how his name pops up in my work laptop to update me how his day has been so far. I like getting gifts from him, but I also like his countless “How are you,” “Have you eaten your lunch,” and “I love you” messages every day. I treasure all the time that we go on a food trip as much as I treasure having dinner with him at home. (I cooked ginataang alimango over the weekend, and he said, “Ang galing ni Nanay, Zayne. Kaya hindi ko ‘to maipagpalit sa iba e!” Like, duh! Siya pa ang lugi sa’kin?! Haha!) And yes, I still get kilig when he kisses me good night even if he needs to kiss another girl who also happens to snore like him! Hahaha!

I then realized that I don’t really miss my husband. I just missed how my husband used to be. I missed how I used to be. I missed how WE used to be. And I think it’s normal. I’m slowly learning to accept the fact that my husband now handles 200 people at work, takes care of two girls at home, washes the dishes and takes out the trash every night, and still figures out how to develop his abs. (I once asked him if he has plans of getting a mistress. He said, “Pucha naman! Kayong dalawa pa lang hirap na hirap na akong i-please! Kukuha pa ako ng pangatlo?! Ano ako, gago?!” Haha!) He may have changed a lot, but he still looks at me like I’m some kind of a hot Victoria’s Secret model albeit the stretch marks and flabby arms!

We may be exhausted now, but I guess it only means that we’re working extra hard for what we really want for our family. (I guess we’re really hashtag adulting! Haha!) So yeah, spontaneous dates and trips may be out of the equation for now, but I love how we are turning out to be as husband and wife and as parents to our dear Zayne.

ian santillan photo je's anatomy
Dear, Tatay,
Naghahanap ako ng picture na pogi ka. Kaso, hirap na hirap ako. Dito ka talaga pinaka-pogi e!
Love, Nanay :p

One last thought: Dafush! When will his abs show up?! :p

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