Understanding Why God Made Me Childless for Four Years

Published on May 08, 2017

Years ago as I was battling infertility, people would endlessly try to console me. They said things with the hopes of making me feel better. Later on, I became numb hearing the same words over and over again. A lot of people know very little about infertility. The insensitive ones would ask questions that are sometimes intrusive. But the moment I give them the answers they want, they start giving the same canned words that I already heard from other people.

Darating din ‘yan.
Dasal ka lang palagi.

And the most popular spiel is actually…

God has a purpose for making you wait.

I am not sure if it was because I was raised in a Catholic environment or it was probably my defense mechanism, but the last statement was somehow engraved in my mind. Every time I had to shell out a huge amount of money for my fertility workup, I would tell myself, “God has a purpose for making you wait, Je.” Each time a workup cycle failed, I would tell myself, “God has a purpose for making you wait, Je.” When my heart swelled with envy when my social media accounts were flooded with photos of babies, I would tell myself, “God has a purpose for making you wait, Je.” When I started losing hope after years of failing with my fertility workups, I would tell myself, “God has a purpose for making you wait, Je.”

For years, I convinced myself that God indeed has a purpose for making me wait. I know that God has a purpose, but I will be a hypocrite if I tell you that I didn’t want to know what that purpose was right away. I was always like,

“Dear, God. I know you have a purpose for making me wait.
But can you please let me know now what that purpose is?
Nah?
No answer?
Kahit clue man lang? 
Wala talaga?
K.TNX.BYE.

My husband once told me that God was making our wait longer because He was probably busy making an amazing child for us. I used to think that it was the reason. But then I realized that every child is amazing, whether he/she was planned or you had to wait 10 long years for him/her. Our Zayne made our lives happier. But I’m pretty sure that so are other kids.

Just last week, I finally found the answer.

DSC_2289

Ever since I posted our story, I have been receiving countless of messages from women who are also battling infertility. I was actually surprised with the outcome of my post as it became the most popular among all of my blog posts. I initially thought that the messages would eventually die down. But I was wrong.

A couple of years after I posted it, I still receive at least 3 messages from strangers in a month. Some are simply asking trivial questions about my OB/GYN or HMO coverage. But I was actually amazed when women reach out to thank me. They thank me for having the courage to tell my story. I guess infertility is still a taboo topic. It’s still something that is not being openly discussed about. When I was losing hope after years of failing in my workups, I had nobody to talk to. I mean, yeah, my close family and best friends would lend me an ear, but I wanted to have someone who would understand what I was going through. I wanted to talk to SOMEONE LIKE ME. And apparently for other women, I became their own SOMEONE LIKE ME. They are able to identify to my story. They feel like someone out there has also gone through the same thing that they are currently going through. I am actually surprised that most of these women would spill their hearts out to someone like me – a stranger they haven’t even met.

Some people don’t understand that going through infertility is not just a physical battle, it’s more of an emotional fight. Women who have been yearning for a child for so long often feel desperate. I know because I was desperate for a long time. I spent years looking for something to hold on to, something that would make me believe that having a child is still possible for me. And I guess my story became that SOMETHING for these women.

“I have read a lot of blogs already about TTC but yours struck me the most. I stumbled upon your blog right when I needed it the most - when I'm about to give up! HE sent you as my angel of hope..Thank you! Now I gained a renewed feeling of HOPE! Continue to be a blessing to others!”

“I love reading success stories like yours, you're giving me hope.”

“Thank you for having the courage to write about your journey and inspiring other women undergoing the same thing.”

“I prayed to God to give me a sign and when im on the verge of losing hope, i saw ur post. I think God wants to let me know that I am not forgotten and I should not stop hoping…”

I actually find it amusing that for years, my ovaries were almost non-existent. Tamad sila. Both of them are the LAZIEST OVARIES in the universe! I used to talk to my ovaries. I would say, “Girls, you had ONE JOB! Just release an effin’ egg! That’s what you are supposed to do!!!” Waley! NR. Petiks talaga ang mga bruha! Who would have thought that my lazy ovaries will turn out to be the voice of all the other lazy ovaries out there? Haha! I’m just kidding.

But seriously, I never really imagined that our story would have such an effect to other women. I was initially reluctant to interact with these women because I’m not really the most sociable person on Earth. But I got used to it. I figured that I was once like them, looking for someone to understand my struggles. I actually made some virtual friendships out of these women! We’re like the SISTERHOOD OF THE LAZY OVARIES! Hihihi! I managed to keep in touch with some of them so I would like to thank these women through this post. Thank you for trusting me with your stories. While some of them share their frustrations with their fertility workup, others surprise me with messages sharing the good news about their pregnancy. Thank you for making me a part of your journey! :)

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