The Day I Realized I Have Been a Horrible Daughter

Published on May 08, 2016

I used to tell Mama that she’s very lucky to have a daughter like me. I remember teasing her on my wedding day when I enumerated in my speech all my “accomplishments” as her daughter. I gave her (very) good grades. I was a University scholar. I followed every rule she had imposed. I never missed a curfew. I didn’t get a tattoo or any other body piercing. I didn’t do drugs. I never got drunk. I have never tried even a single puff of cigarette. I didn’t engage in premarital sex. I have always been financially independent. I got married without asking for a single cent from my parents . My husband and I bought a house using our own hard-earned money. They were surprised when we bought a second-hand car four years ago and even more surprised when we decided to get a brand new one last month. And ever since I started earning, I never neglected my obligations to my parents. For years, I have always believed that my mom owed me all of these things. In my bratty head, I am the perfect daughter. But one uneventful day, I realized that I have always been a horrible daughter after all.

It all happened when I was on my second trimester of pregnancy. I had been feeling those tiny, cute movements inside my tummy. But that day, Zayne gave me her first solid kick! (I think she also doubled it with two strong punches. Haha!) I failed to move for a good half a minute. And my tears just involuntarily fell from my eyes! When I finally mustered the strength to move, the first thing I did was to crawl to my bed and cried. Sobrang sakit! You may think that I am overreacting, but I honestly felt like my lungs were about to collapse and my bladder was about to burst. And that was just the first time. Days went by and Zayne’s movements became stronger. I felt like my bones started to get brittle. Every single muscle in my body was in pain. I told Mama about this, and she told me that I was also a “kicker” as a baby. She said that my kicks kept her awake at night. And that day, I began to realize how much pain I caused my mother.

June of 2015, Boyet and I moved in to our own house. I was four months pregnant at that time. We were getting help for laundry and ironing the clothes, but other than that, my husband and I worked on all household chores. I have always been in-charge of the kitchen so every time I fail at a certain dish, I remember all the times that I complained to Mama about our meal. Hindi pala siya madali. Every time I see the house all messed up, I remember all the times that I got angry with Mama when we refuse to help her clean the house. Every time I see the bills piling up, I remember all the times that Mama would scold us when we forgot to unplug the appliances. And every time my daughter kicks me, I remember all the times that I talked back to my mother.

I thought the guilt would go away as soon as Zayne was born. I was wrong. Mama took care of me while I was still recovering after giving birth via C-section. She prepared all our meals. She went to our house every single day after Boyet’s paternity leave ended. Although there are times when I get annoyed because she wants to hold Zayne all the time, I appreciate the fact that she adores my daughter. And albeit we disagreed on some things regarding how I should raise my daughter, she still respects the fact that I am the mother, and that the final say will always be mine.

I thought the guilt would eventually die down, but it became even stronger.

My heart breaks each time I see someone else’s child battling a serious illness. I would pray for the child’s recovery and pray harder to spare mine. I would then remember all the times that Mama stayed late at night to take care of me when I’m sick...

My hurt breaks each time I see someone else’s child fall into the hands of bad people. I would pray for the child and pray harder to spare mine. I would then remember all the times that Mama nagged me when I failed to tell her my whereabouts...

My heart breaks each time I leave my baby to go to work. I would pray for her safety while I am away. I would then remember all the times that I chose to lock myself in my room only because I could not stand being with my mother...

My heart breaks each time I look at my only daughter, growing up too fast. I would endlessly look at her, trying so hard to freeze time so I could hold her forever. I would then think about the many times that my mother probably felt the same...

My heart breaks each time I failed to make Zayne stop crying. I would then think of the many times that I probably gave the same heartache to my mother...

My heart breaks each time I would imagine my tiny baby, growing up and learning to talk back at me. And yes, I would remember the many times that I raised my voice to my mother only because I was too conceited to admit my mistakes.

For years, I’ve heard my mother tell me the cliché, “Maiintindihan mo lang ako kapag naging nanay ka na.” I thought she was just blackmailing me. It turns out she was telling me the truth. It’s true that motherhood will change a woman. Once you become a mother, your heart will never be the same again. And no matter how high you think of yourself, you’ll eventually realize how horrible of a daughter you have been once you become a mother.

So to all the horrible daughters who are on their way to being great mothers, Happy Mother’s Day! ♥♥♥

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That’s me with my “future horrible daughter” haha! :p

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4 comments

  1. Nakakaiyak! Kaya ngayon kahit anong pagalit at sermon ni mama sa kin ok na lang kasi mas naiintindihan ko na sya. Happy Mother's Day to you Jerellt!

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  2. Like you, mas lalo ko na-appreciate si Mame nung nabuntis ako. Iba pala talaga ang pagmamahal ng isang ina, walang katulad. Mula noon, pinangako ko sa sarili ko ipapadama ko talaga sa kanya ang love ko for her kasi hindi naman ako talaga showy. Sabi ko lahat ng pwede ko ibigay sa kanya, ibibigay ko, maski doon man lang maparamdam ko na love ko sya, although love na love ko naman sya talaga, hehe. Iba talaga magmahal ang mga Nanay! :)

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  3. Apir! Fellow horrible daughter. Bwahahaha! Pero aminin mo din kasi na ang kuliiiiiiittt ng mga Nanay natin. Ahahahah! (um-excuse pa!) Anyway, ako din mas naapreciate ko si mama after giving birth. Motherhood really does change a person. Iba eh!

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  4. Medyo late na pero, Happy Mother's Day Neri, Edel and Aubrey! :)

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