Grieving never stops

Published on August 20, 2010

It’s been five years but I still miss you. The world has not been so kind to me and to my family for the past few years. But I am happy that good things are coming our way. It’s just sad that you are not here with us to witness how we have become and how far we have already gone.

Abes finished college last March and he is turning out to be a handsome man. He may be hardheaded at times but he takes care of the family now that I am miles away from them. He is still a work in progress but I am confident that he will make us all proud.

Hazel tied the knot and I am also getting married next year. Sooner or later, there will be little kids running around and playing like we used to do in your house. I promise you that their relationship as cousins will be better than ours.

I know that our family is not perfect. It’s as dysfunctional as the others. You have always been the person that ties us together. And now that you’re gone, keeping the relationship strong seems a little harder. But then again, we are family. And family members stand by each other. I promise to do my little part, and I’ll make sure to keep that promise.

There are times when my prayers are unheeded and God keeps on testing my patience. I hope you hear me during the times that I talk to you, the times when I ask you to be my “backer” to Papa Jesus.

I hope you hear my heart saying that I miss you. Each time I think of you, I remember you carrying my four-year old self throwing up in the hospital after eating champorado. I stopped eating champorado after that. But I never stopped seeing that picture. And so is the moment when I proudly gave you part of my on-the-job-training allowance and all the special occasions that I made something special for you. I specifically remember the birthday card that I gave which said, HAPPY BIRTDAY LOLA! Haha! :)

I ended up loving Math because I grew up in your sari-sari store. I watch too much telenovela since I acquired that hobby of yours because you were the one who introduced me to Maalalala Mo Kaya and the likes. And did I mention that I watch movies too often? It’s just not as frequent as how you watch movies every weekend. :)

I never said I’m sorry because it was too late. The last time you were admitted to the hospital, I was the one who fixed the nebulizer and your medicines. I didn’t know it would be the last. The day you left us was the same day the doctor said that you’re getting better and you’re ready to be discharged. It was too sudden. We didn’t see it coming. I worked overtime that day and even went out after. I was just awakened by the news. And when we reached the hospital, you were lying in the hospital bed - frail and wilted. That image was far from the strong person that I’ve known - the person who carries grocery bags and demolished a basketball court all by herself. You were no longer fighting. And when the doctor said that there is nothing else they can do, I just cried. We all did. And the sound of the flatline was the worst thing I’ve ever heard. And from that moment, I promised myself that it won’t happen again. Since then, I consciously strive to have the work-life balance.

I should have said my goodbyes to you.

I should have said I love you.

I should have let you know that we never got tired of taking care of you.

I enjoyed going home with the yoghurt you requested. Mama even got jealous one time when I went home with a pasalubong for you because I failed to get her one. Now, I shower her with gifts and treats as much as I can. I take care of my family. We all take care of each other.

Good things are happening to me now. I know you’re happy watching over us. There are times when I dream of you. I’m happy because you are always smiling in my dreams. There was even one time when I dreamed that you were telling me some green jokes – the same way you did when you were still with us. :)

Please say "Hi" to Angkong for me. And please tell Papa Jesus that I now understand why he took you away from us. It took me a while to do so.

I miss you lola. I still do. :(

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3 comments

  1. Your letter is really touching. I love my grandma very much and your entry has reminded me that I should show her this every chance I get.

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  2. @Manila Girl - You're lucky you still have her. Shower her with all the love you can give before it's too late :(

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  3. Sad. :(

    I love my lola, too! I'll bring her some fruits later. :)

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